Murphy's Law
by Audra Lachesis
Summary: “If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.” Dialogue only, experiment in character voices, for the sga flashfic 'Debriefing' challenge. Team!fic.


**Title:** Murphy's Law

**Challenge:** Debriefing

**Summary:** "If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

**A/N:** Dialogue only, as an experiment in character voices. If anyone needs clarification on who's talking when, just ask, it's all in my head, heh. Much thanks goes to chasingkerouac for being a stalwart sounding board, and spotting all my obscure (and not-so-obscure) pop culture references.

***

"All right, is everyone here? Good -- begin audio transcription, mission debriefing for MX0-981, henceforth referred to as 'Elusia' as per the information gathered from the natives. Colonel Sheppard, would you like to begin?"

"Is this _really_ necessary, Elizabeth?"

"Yes, Colonel Sheppard, you know protocol. Even the smallest details might give us some insight about the Pegasus Galaxy, and having these debriefings on file for future reference is essential. Now, why don't you tell me what happened after your team arrived on Elusia?"

"Standard recon, pure and simple. Teyla took point, since she'd had a few dealings with the Elusians before. I probably should have taken her a bit more seriously when she mentioned that she might be a bit rusty on their language."

"Because all aliens can't speak English, now, can they?"

"Shut up, McKay. Unless you want me to skip ahead just a bit?"

"...Carry on, Colonel."

"So Teyla took the lead after you went through the Stargate. How long did it take for you to make contact with the Elusians?"

"Not very long, Dr. Weir, to my surprise. The Elusians are a simple people, with little trust for strangers--"

"Sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it?"

"McKay..."

"I'm just saying, if anyone stumbles across any secret underground bunkers, I'm not having anything to do with it this time."

"If I may continue?"

"Please, Teyla."

"As I was saying, the Eulesians do not trust easily; they are a very self-sufficient people, and need little in the way of trade. We have not had much opportunity to speak with them in the past, so my knowledge of their customs was... fuzzy."

"Fuzzy? That's about the biggest understatement in the history of the universe."

"Ronon, keep him quiet, will you?"

"Take away those snack bars he's always carrying around. That should do it."

"Haha. You obviously haven't experienced a hypoglycemic-- ow!"

"Thank you, Ronon. Teyla?"

"Our first indication of anything irregular was the reception we received. Instead of their usual reticence, the Elusians welcomed us into their village eagerly. I attempted to explain our needs to them, as well as what we could offer in return, but they would not hear of it. The village elders, along with the mayor, insisted that we join them in their celebration, and speak of business the following day."

"Celebration?"

"Harvest festival. Again. I'm starting to think it could be the dead of winter when we showed up on a planet and we'd still be subjected to a harvest festival."

"Oh, like you didn't enjoy yourself."

"Did I say you could talk again?"

"_Ow_. ...Now _that_ was just unnecessary, Ronon."

"Okay, so they invited you to their harvest festival. How bad could it be?"

"You've _obviously_ never been subjected to a Pegasus Galaxy harvest festival, Elizabeth."

"Enlighten me."

"The Elusians are largely an agricultural people, but they do pride themselves on some of their more unusual talents, Dr. Weir. In particular, they are quite proud of their ability to maintain and nurture hives of insects, for the purposes of harvesting the honey-like substance they produce."

"Oh, _here_ we go..."

"They're beekeepers?"

"Of really big bees. Mutant alien bees, even."

"And these insects somehow played a role in the harvest festival, I assume?"

"You assume correctly. The mayor traditionally harvests the first comb of the season as a ceremonial opening to the festival, and we were invited to watch."

"And McKay conveniently decided to speak up _right then_ and tell everyone who would listen that he's allergic to bee stings."

"A mild allergy, yes, but still serious enough to induce hives, swelling, respiratory trouble..."

"And anaphylactic shock, we _know_. Geez."

"Oh, that's nice. Remind me to be kind and sympathetic the next time you face a horrifically painful death, Colonel."

"You've got a rash, Rodney."

"_Hives_ -- there's a difference."

"I take it from Rodney's current condition there was a mishap with the bees?"

"You could say that. He started flailing around and they stung him."

"I was defending myself from a swarm of potentially harmful creatures."

"You pissed them off, Rodney. You don't piss off mutant alien bees, that's just common sense. Even I know that."

"Fortunately, Dr. McKay had brought along certain medications provided by Dr. Beckett, and we were able to minimize the effects with little fuss."

"Antihistamines. His paranoia paid off this time."

"It's not paranoia if you actually need them, Colonel."

"Whatever. So Rodney gets himself stung by a bunch of mutant alien bees, and Teyla tries to explain to the Elusians why he's suddenly yelling and thrashing and trying to kill their prize insects with his bare hands."

"I suspect I should have used a different word for 'allergic' -- I cannot be certain. As it turned out, the Elusians would not allow us to take Dr. McKay back through the Stargate. It seems they believed he had been infected with something -- a plague, or perhaps a spiritual presence."

"They thought he was possessed."

"By something _evil_. Wonder where they got that idea?"

"And I noticed that none of you did anything to dissuade them from that idea, hmm? With my life potentially on the line?"

"McKay -- you've got a _rash_."

"I assure you, Dr. McKay, I did my best to convince the Elusians that you were not under any sinister influence, but I'm afraid my mastery of their language _is_ very limited. All of my efforts seemed only to make things worse. The more I insisted that Dr. McKay be allowed to return through the Stargate for medical attention, the more adamant the Elusians became. They began to insist that Dr. McKay's spirit must be purified before he contaminated any other souls in the village."

"Stop laughing, Colonel Sheppard. I mean it."

"What sort of purification are we talking about here, Teyla? An exorcism?"

"I am not familiar with that term, I'm afraid."

"It's a religious ritual... when a priest attempts to drive out an evil spirit with a lot of holy water and chanting and heads spinning and green vomit."

"You watched too many horror movies as a kid, didn't you?"

"There was no mention of holy water or green... _vomit_, fortunately. The mayor, by this time, had become somewhat agitated, so I found it extremely difficult to translate his wishes. I managed to make out something about 'purification through sacrifice'--"

"Which, you can imagine, was not exactly what I wanted to hear--"

"--But I was quite certain they did not intend to sacrifice Dr. McKay, and assured him as much."

"And about this time Ronon decided to make himself useful."

"I'd hardly call pulling out that grenade launcher of a gun he carries around and shooting the nearest goat-like animal 'helpful'."

"You shot a goat?"

"Seemed like a good idea at the time. They wanted a sacrifice, and it was standing right there."

"Yes, well, what Indiana Jones here didn't take into account was that the Elusians get very attached to their livestock."

"I'm not going to like this part, am I?"

"Probably not."

"Unfortunately, the animal Ronon selected to serve as a 'sacrifice' was one of the village elder's prize breeding bucks. It seems that in addition to their insect hives, they are also quite proud of their indala fleeces."

"Let me guess -- not the sort of sacrifice they had in mind?"

"No, as we soon discovered."

"We don't need to get into that."

"Oh yes we do. We got into the mutant alien bees, we need to get into that, too."

"All right, now, settle down. What sort of sacrifice _did_ the Elusians have in mind, then? Teyla?"

"A slightly more personal sacrifice, Dr. Weir. By one of our team members. Specifically, by Colonel Sheppard."

"I'm telling you, it was an accident. I was tricked. She dragged me--"

"Kicking and screaming the entire time, of _course_."

"I'm _really_ not going to like this part -- am I?"

"...Probably not."

"The Elusians, it seems, wished to tie themselves more securely to the protection of Atlantis, and in their culture, many such agreements are cemented by formal arranged marriages."

"Colonel Sheppard went and got himself engaged."

"And this was supposed to cure Rodney of his so-called 'possession' _how_, exactly?"

"They were very vague on that point, Dr. Weir. I suspect they merely made use of an opportunity that presented itself, in addition to my own difficulties with communication."

"As if it were really necessary with Sheppard channelling Captain Kirk again."

"I did no such thing. It was an _accident_."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, Colonel, but exactly how did you manage to acquire a fianceé by _accident_?"

"He trotted around the bonfire with her."

"The what?"

"The bonfire. For their harvest festival. She pulled him up and dragged him into the middle of everything, dancing around the whole time."

"Let me get this straight. Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard _danced_?"

"Not 'danced' exactly. More like 'staggered blindly in a vaguely circular direction while being pulled along by a really cute brunette'? Who just happened to be the mayor's daughter, by the way. Really, the flowers should have been a dead giveaway."

"I didn't hear you speaking up to stop her, Rodney."

"Yes, well, that was because I was still doped up on antihistamines. It was really very traumatic, you know. Watching you try to dance, I mean. Very traumatic, I may never recover."

"Shut up."

"Colonel Sheppard was not aware of the full consequences, Dr. Weir. It was... a misunderstanding."

"Obviously."

"So Rodney had an allergic reaction to an alien bee sting, Teyla somehow mistranslated 'allergic' as 'possessed by evil', Ronon shot a prized herdbeast as a sacrifice, and John somehow managed to get himself engaged to the mayor's daughter, all on one mission? Unbelievable. So when's the wedding, Colonel Sheppard?"

"There isn't going to be one. We got the, uh, engagement retracted, fortunately."

"Retracted? How? Did you have to dance around the bonfire backwards this time?"

"Well..."

"...Please tell me you didn't have to dance around the bonfire backwards."

"It sort of makes sense, though, doesn't it?"

"Does anyone else get the sense that most of the aliens we meet are laughing at us half of the time?"

"More than half, statistically speaking. Considering the number of times we've been subjected to harvest festivals, I'd say the likelihood of alien cultures finding entertainment at our expense is about as high as--"

"Thank you, Rodney. I get it."

"Right, you're welcome."

"It sounds like this particular mission was an unmitigated disaster, in every sense of the word."

"I wouldn't say that, Elizabeth."

"Oh, really? So after you managed to get yourself un-engaged, you sorted out the translation problems, offered reparations for the murdered animal, and whisked Rodney back here for medical attention, I take it?"

"...More or less."

"All right, spit it out. How, exactly, did anything good come out of this mission, Colonel?"

"I'm giving the mayor's daughter away next week. When she marries Lieutenant Reed."

_[end audio transcription]_


End file.
